Office Euphemisms & Corporate Lingo Defined
Negative Advancement: Demotion
Team Work: Having someone else you can blame it on.
Percussive Maintenance: Kicking a machine to get it to work.
Hardware: The part of the computer you can kick.
Inflation: Paying today’s prices with last year’s salary.
Sub-Optimal Results: Failure.
Temporarily Displaced Inventory: Stolen goods.
Market Correction: The stocks are plummeting.
Opportunity: Severe problem with no clear solution.
Realigned Salaries: Pay cuts.
De-Layering: Eliminating middle management.
V2V: “Voice to Voice” actually speaking to/with someone.
Capital Preservation: When a struggling company stops spending money.
Zero-Sum Expansion: An attempt to sell more products or hire more people with no additional resources.
We’re Right Sizing: You’re fired.
We’re De-Growing: You’re fired.
We’re putting you on indefinite idle: You’re fired.
We’re considering you for vocational relocation: You’re fired.
He left to pursue other opportunities: He was fired.
Job Descriptions Debunked.
Show you innovative ways to burn money in the spirit of patriotism: Fireworks Stand Manager
Find as many synonyms for “explosion” as possible: Novelist for Teenage Boys
Manage waste recycling, promotion and sales: Antiques Dealer
Arrive after the battle then bayonet all the wounded: Auditor
Provide arcane information on a need-to-know basis: Chief Accountant
Shepard clients through the process of setting their products on fire: Consumer Products Tester
Draw up something that will not be built per those plans: Civil Engineer, Transportation Design
Wear a tuxedo and smash metal plates into each other: Musician
Go to strange people’s houses and take their money: Pizza Delivery
Take a simple two-way promise and turn it into several complicated one-way promises which neither side can understand or hope to fulfill: Lawyer
Make sure nothing ever happens: IT Security
Copy and paste the Internet: Student
Talk in other people’s sleep: College Professor
Call people who know what they’re doing and ask them what they’re doing: Incident Manager